The Mind-Body Loop
I experienced some circumstances this week that catapulted me into old patterns of thinking. It’s been a rough few days of feeling a bit sorry for myself, feeling unworthy and demoralized. So, now I'm at a point where I recognise these thought patterns are not serving me. I am at the point where I need to, and I’m ready to, make a choice to change my thoughts about the situation, and myself.
Negative things are going to happen. People are going to treat us unfairly and circumstances will appear to conspire to keep us stuck. The good news is, we don't need to stay stuck. I think sometimes we justify staying in these thought patterns in order to validate our feelings, and I want to point out that while your feelings are always valid, you don't need to be controlled by them. If we could get to a point where we could choose to be content regardless of everything around us–whoa, that would be sweet peace. I gotta admit, I am not there at all, but I can intentionally change my thoughts and I don't need to make it worse by letting thought spirals carry me away.
I also think it’s important to acknowledge that there is a time to grieve and there is space for sadness. You cannot regulate your feelings away. Sometimes it is completely sensible to sit with the feelings and process, particularly when it’s something that affects you profoundly. There is no time restriction on grief, and this is not intended to be a shaming article. It's meant to inspire you to try new things if you feel stuck in old patterns.
Here is what happens when we get caught up in patterns of negative thinking. First of all, if you are accustomed to these patterns of negativity, it’s going to feel right and natural. Maybe you easily slip into these thoughts because they have been ruling your mind and actions your whole life. It’s not easy to disrupt a deeply engraved pattern like that! Negative thoughts send out stress hormones to the body, such as cortisol. Cortisol is a stress hormone that can be helpful in the right amounts, at the right times, but left unchecked, it creates inflammation, contributes to excess belly fat, and interrupts sleep patterns. All of these hormones influence the body which in turn sends signals back to the brain and it becomes a big messy loop, until we make the intentional choice to stop this process.
How do we interrupt mind/body loops?
First, become aware of your thoughts. You don't need to change them at first, just observe them. The more you notice these thoughts, the greater your ability will become to nip them in the bud. We tend to repeat similar patterns of thinking, so it becomes easier to notice them over time.
Next, challenge your thoughts. Now that you have developed your awareness, you can challenge these thoughts as they come. Is this true? Where does truth come from? For me, it comes from scripture. What does God say about me?
Change the thought. Once you have recognised the thought, you can intentionally change it. The scripture says, hold every thought captive. Take that thought, integrate it thoroughly. Replace it with truth. Once you do this, the brain actually sends out different chemicals to the body like dopamine and oxytocin–which are happy neurotransmitters (that’s a spicy word for chemical messenger)
Hey, I get it, it’s not always easy to change our thoughts. Especially when they have become normal and weirdly comfortable. If this seems impossible, try changing your actions. If you cope by bed rotting and scrolling, do something out of the norm. It’s not going to feel comfortable, and you're not going to want to, so don't wait until you feel like it. Try going for a walk. If that is too much, try just going outside. Slip your shoes off and take a moment to appreciate the feel of the grass under your feet. Every good and positive decision can be a springboard to another positive decision. You are literally changing your brain one small thing at a time.
Feeling Triggered?
What’s a trigger?
It’s a sensation that hits deeper than the situation might appear on the surface. If you feel yourself reacting in a way that seems too big , you might be experiencing a trigger. You can logically know your reaction is too big, but triggers don’t happen in the logical brain, so if you feel helpless to control your response, that’s completely normal.
You might first feel a trigger in your body. Maybe your chest tightens or you feel sick to your stomach. You might notice tension in your jaw or shoulders.
A trigger happens when something from a past experience is brought to the surface. It’s a reminder of something you might not even remember happening, an implicit memory.
These memories can be triggered by a smell, a song, a word, a tone of voice, an action—anything that reminds you of something that is unhealed can be a trigger. You may not even know why you are reacting, but trust me, it’s not random, there is a reason.
Sometimes we become triggered by things we thought we already healed from, and that can be really frustrating. It can feel like regression, but it’s not. Our body is always working to protect us. When our capacity is bigger, trauma has more room to come to the surface, because we can handle it, and heal more deeply. If you keep coming back to the same issue you already processed, chances are you are healing and your capacity is expanding.
Triggers are inevitable, so what can you do?
First, know that this is normal. You’re not broken. You’re reacting exactly the way you’re supposed to. Your mind and body sense danger and are trying to keep you safe.
Notice. Pay attention to what you’re feeling in your body. Where do you feel it, what does it feel like? Put a name to it.
Get curious. Your body is communicating with you. Shame often tries to creep in and it’s distracting. When you recognize your responses as healthy and normal, you can get to the root of why your response is so big.
Sit with it. Part of getting curious is learning to sit with the discomfort of big feelings without trying to fix, blame or numb.
Learn coping techniques. Things like breathing, meditation, and embodiment exercises can help regulate the nervous system when you are triggered so you can feel better faster.
Have grace for yourself as you are healing. Your mind and body are always working for you to keep you safe. Pay attention to what you feel, you are receiving important messages that will help you get to the root of the issue.
It’s not JUST You, It’s Your Nervous System
It all begins with an idea.
The nervous system plays a crucial role in regulating our responses to stress and trauma, including developmental trauma. Developmental trauma refers to adverse childhood experiences or chronic stressors that can impact a person's emotional, psychological, and neurological development.
Fight-or-Flight Response: When a person encounters a threat or stressor, the sympathetic nervous system can trigger the "fight-or-flight" response. This involves the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which prepare the body to respond to the threat. In cases of chronic developmental trauma, this response may become dysregulated, leading to heightened anxiety or an overactive stress response.
Hypervigilance: People who have experienced developmental trauma may develop hypervigilance, where their nervous system remains on high alert even in non-threatening situations. This can lead to constant feelings of anxiety and difficulty in relaxing.
Impacts on Brain Development: Prolonged stress and trauma during development can also affect the structure and function of the brain. The amygdala, for example, may become more sensitive to perceived threats, while the prefrontal cortex, which regulates emotional responses, may be impaired. This can result in difficulty regulating emotions and making rational decisions.
Polyvagal Theory: The Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how the vagus nerve, a key part of the autonomic nervous system, influences our responses to stress and trauma. It suggests that in response to trauma, the vagus nerve can shift us into a state of "shutdown" or immobilization, which can manifest as dissociation or numbing.
Resilience and Healing: It's important to note that the nervous system is adaptable, and individuals can work to regulate their responses to trauma through various therapeutic approaches, such as trauma-informed therapy, mindfulness, and somatic experiencing. These approaches aim to help individuals re-regulate their nervous systems and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
In summary, the regulation of the nervous system is closely intertwined with developmental trauma, and understanding these connections is crucial for addressing the long-term impacts of trauma on individuals' mental and emotional well-being.
Are You Just a Giver or a People Pleaser?
It all begins with an idea.
Developmental trauma and people-pleasing can be closely connected in some individuals, but how do you know when you are people pleasing or just being generous or helpful? Let’s explore these concepts.
Developmental trauma, also known as complex trauma or childhood trauma, refers to adverse experiences and disruptions during a person's formative years, typically during childhood or adolescence. These experiences can include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, separation from caregivers, chronic instability, or exposure to violence. Developmental trauma can have lasting effects on a person's emotional, psychological, and social well-being.
People-pleasing is a behavior pattern in which individuals consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and boundaries. People-pleasers may go to great lengths to gain approval, avoid conflict, and seek validation from others. They tend to say "yes" to requests even when they want to say "no," and they may struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
What is the Connection Between Developmental Trauma and People-Pleasing?
Coping Mechanism: People who have experienced developmental trauma may develop people-pleasing tendencies as a coping mechanism. In an attempt to create a sense of safety and avoid further harm, they may learn to be hyper-attuned to the needs and emotions of others. By pleasing others, they may hope to avoid conflict and gain a sense of approval and validation.
Low Self-Esteem: Developmental trauma can contribute to low self-esteem and a negative self-image. People-pleasers often seek external validation to compensate for their own self-doubt and insecurity. They may believe that if they make others happy, they will be more likable and worthy.
Fear of Rejection: Individuals with developmental trauma may have a heightened fear of rejection or abandonment due to past experiences of instability or neglect. People-pleasing behavior can be an attempt to prevent others from leaving them by constantly accommodating their needs and wishes.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: People who have experienced trauma may struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries because they may not have learned them in their early relationships. This difficulty can lead to a pattern of overextending themselves to meet others' demands.
It's important to note that while people-pleasing can be a common response to developmental trauma, not everyone who experiences trauma will develop people-pleasing behaviors, and not all people-pleasers have a history of developmental trauma. A good clue to know when you are engaging in people-pleasing vs kindness, is if you feel resentful. Another question to ask yourself is, “What am I hoping to get out of this?” If you are giving with the intention of gaining something in return, you might be people pleasing. Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies often requires self-awareness, therapy, and a commitment to building healthier relationships and self-esteem.
Therapy, particularly trauma-focused therapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can be highly beneficial for individuals seeking to address the connection between developmental trauma and people-pleasing, as it can help them develop healthier coping strategies, improve self-esteem, and establish more balanced relationships with others.
Befriending Your Nervous System
It all begins with an idea.
Regulating the nervous system is essential for maintaining overall health and well-being. The nervous system controls various bodily functions, including stress response, digestion, heart rate, and more. An imbalanced or overactive nervous system can lead to issues like anxiety, stress, and even physical health problems. Here are some strategies to help regulate the nervous system:
Deep Breathing:
Practice deep breathing exercises to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation. Try techniques like diaphragmatic breathing or the 4-7-8 breath.
Use mindful breathing to stay present and reduce stress. Focus on the sensation of your breath as it enters and leaves your body.
Meditation and Mindfulness:
Regular meditation practice can help calm the nervous system and reduce stress. It encourages a state of relaxation and awareness.
Mindfulness exercises involve paying attention to the present moment without judgment. This can reduce anxiety and promote relaxation.
Yoga and Tai Chi:
These practices combine physical movement with deep breathing and mindfulness. They can help reduce stress and regulate the nervous system over time.
Physical Activity:
Regular exercise can release endorphins, which promote a sense of well-being and reduce stress.
Engage in activities you enjoy, such as walking, jogging, swimming, or dancing.
Sleep:
Prioritize getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep can lead to an overactive nervous system and increased stress.
Establish a consistent sleep schedule and create a relaxing bedtime routine.
Nutrition:
Consume a balanced diet rich in nutrients. Avoid excessive caffeine, sugar, and processed foods, which can negatively affect the nervous system.
Stay hydrated, as dehydration can lead to increased stress.
Social Connections:
Maintain healthy relationships and social connections. Positive interactions can reduce stress and promote emotional well-being.
Stress Management:
Identify and manage sources of stress in your life. This might involve time management, setting boundaries, or seeking support from a therapist or counselor.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation:
Practice progressive muscle relaxation, a technique where you tense and then release different muscle groups to reduce physical tension and promote relaxation.
Biofeedback and Neurofeedback:
These therapies involve monitoring physiological responses like heart rate or brainwave activity and providing feedback to help individuals learn to control them.
Seek Professional Help:
If you're struggling to regulate your nervous system, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or medication when necessary.
Remember that regulating the nervous system is an ongoing process, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's essential to experiment with different techniques and find the combination that works best for you. Additionally, consult with a healthcare provider or therapist for personalized guidance and support.
Self-care—How We Show Up for Ourselves
It all begins with an idea.
Self-care has become a word that we just kind of throw around when we feel like we need to justify doing something for ourselves, but it actually has a deeper meaning. It’s figuring out what you need and taking care of yourself first. Only then can you show up for others in a healthy way.
Self-care refers to the practice of taking deliberate actions to maintain and improve one's physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It involves prioritizing your own health and happiness by engaging in activities and behaviors that promote self-renewal and stress reduction. Self-care is essential for overall health and can help you better cope with the demands and stresses of daily life.
Self-care activities can vary widely from person to person, as they depend on individual preferences and needs. Some common examples of self-care include:
Physical self-care: Activities that focus on your physical health, such as regular exercise, getting enough sleep, maintaining a balanced diet, staying hydrated, and attending medical check-ups.
Emotional self-care: Practices that nurture your emotional well-being, such as journaling, practicing mindfulness or meditation, seeking therapy or counseling, and expressing your emotions in a healthy way.
Social self-care: Spending quality time with friends and loved ones, maintaining healthy relationships, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed.
Mental self-care: Engaging in activities that stimulate your mind and reduce stress, such as reading, learning new skills, pursuing hobbies, or engaging in creative outlets.
Spiritual self-care: Exploring your personal beliefs, values, and spirituality through practices like prayer, meditation, or participating in a religious community.
Relaxation and leisure: Taking breaks and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation, such as taking baths, practicing relaxation techniques, going for a walk in nature, or enjoying a favorite hobby.
Setting boundaries: Learning to say no when necessary, prioritizing your own needs, and avoiding overcommitment or people-pleasing.
Self-compassion: Treating yourself with kindness and understanding, acknowledging your own limitations, and avoiding self-criticism.
Self-care is not a one-size-fits-all concept, and it's important to customize your self-care routine to fit your individual needs and circumstances. Consistently practicing self-care can help you reduce stress, improve your mental and emotional resilience, and enhance your overall quality of life. It's an essential component of maintaining a healthy work-life balance and ensuring your long-term well-being.