Are You Just a Giver or a People Pleaser?
Developmental trauma and people-pleasing can be closely connected in some individuals, but how do you know when you are people pleasing or just being generous or helpful? Let’s explore these concepts.
Developmental trauma, also known as complex trauma or childhood trauma, refers to adverse experiences and disruptions during a person's formative years, typically during childhood or adolescence. These experiences can include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, separation from caregivers, chronic instability, or exposure to violence. Developmental trauma can have lasting effects on a person's emotional, psychological, and social well-being.
People-pleasing is a behavior pattern in which individuals consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and boundaries. People-pleasers may go to great lengths to gain approval, avoid conflict, and seek validation from others. They tend to say "yes" to requests even when they want to say "no," and they may struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
What is the Connection Between Developmental Trauma and People-Pleasing?
Coping Mechanism: People who have experienced developmental trauma may develop people-pleasing tendencies as a coping mechanism. In an attempt to create a sense of safety and avoid further harm, they may learn to be hyper-attuned to the needs and emotions of others. By pleasing others, they may hope to avoid conflict and gain a sense of approval and validation.
Low Self-Esteem: Developmental trauma can contribute to low self-esteem and a negative self-image. People-pleasers often seek external validation to compensate for their own self-doubt and insecurity. They may believe that if they make others happy, they will be more likable and worthy.
Fear of Rejection: Individuals with developmental trauma may have a heightened fear of rejection or abandonment due to past experiences of instability or neglect. People-pleasing behavior can be an attempt to prevent others from leaving them by constantly accommodating their needs and wishes.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: People who have experienced trauma may struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries because they may not have learned them in their early relationships. This difficulty can lead to a pattern of overextending themselves to meet others' demands.
It's important to note that while people-pleasing can be a common response to developmental trauma, not everyone who experiences trauma will develop people-pleasing behaviors, and not all people-pleasers have a history of developmental trauma. A good clue to know when you are engaging in people-pleasing vs kindness, is if you feel resentful. Another question to ask yourself is, “What am I hoping to get out of this?” If you are giving with the intention of gaining something in return, you might be people pleasing. Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies often requires self-awareness, therapy, and a commitment to building healthier relationships and self-esteem.
Therapy, particularly trauma-focused therapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can be highly beneficial for individuals seeking to address the connection between developmental trauma and people-pleasing, as it can help them develop healthier coping strategies, improve self-esteem, and establish more balanced relationships with others.